Public speaking - do we fear this more than death? How I learned to deal with being shy.

Most of us are more afraid of public speaking than death.
I once heard Jerry Seinfeld say that most of us fear public speaking more than death. He went on to say that if we are at a funeral, most of us would prefer to be in the casket rather than delivering the eulogy. While this may be a bit extreme, I know personally that there's a large element of truth in what he says.

I'll be one of the keynote speakers at The Domain Roundtable.
Next week I will be one of the keynote speakers at The Domain Roundtable. This event is hosted by Name Intelligence and is intended for anyone participating or involved in the domain name industry. I'm happy and honored to be speaking at the event. That said, you have to understand that I was once, and in some ways still am, a very shy individual. In fact, once I was so shy that it was hard for me to even participate in a one-on-one conversation. I've since learned how to overcome that fear. This blog article will tell you how I did it.

Most people are at least a little shy.
Those who know me are surprised that one of the biggest things I wrestle with is shyness. In fact, when I tell people that I'm basically a very shy individual, they typically smile and say that they don't believe it. As I frequently do public speaking, and host Radio Go Daddy, my associates view me as a very outgoing individual. While I am now able to talk to anyone, and talk in front of any group - regardless of size - it was not always this way for me.

My shyness was debilitating.
After I was discharged from the Marine Corps and entered the work force, I was so shy that it was debilitating. I had difficulty talking to anyone who I deemed significant in any way. The shyness that I wrestled with back then was so severe that it was an effort - a major effort - to even complete a few sentences. In fact, it upset me that often I would walk away from a conversation (particularly at work, after talking with someone that held a high position) without saying anything near to what I wanted to say. I also found myself passed over for promotions that I knew I deserved, but that others received simply because they were able to effectively communicate with those in charge.

Charles Lindbergh became my role model.
I felt as if I would be plagued with severe shyness all my life. Then I happened to read about Charles Lindbergh, the legendary aviator who piloted the first trans-Atlantic plane flight. Lindbergh was also plagued with shyness. His shyness resulted from growing up on a farm and having very little social interaction with others. The way he overcame his shyness was to watch others who seemed to have good social skills and to emulate what he thought they did right. So I made it my personal goal to do the very same thing.

I learned from watching others and reading Dale Carnegie's book.
I started watching others, who I thought had good social skills. In doing so, I would try to discern one or two things they did that seemed impressive to me. I would then try these little things on my own. I also read Dale Carnegie's timeless book "How to win friends and influence people."

One of the first few things I learned was to ask questions about a subject that was of personal interest to whoever I was attempting to talk with. I was amazed at how happy people were to open up. Everybody likes to talk about themselves. Then I learned that I also had to interject relevant items about myself and the subject - that way it seemed like a conversation and not an interview.

Another thing I learned early on was to look for good things or things I liked, about my conversation partner and to mention them. The important thing here was that the compliments had to be genuine. No bullshit - that's easily spotted and resented.

It took a long while for me to learn how to deal with being shy.
It was a long process for me, and it took the better part of ten years to learn how to deal with my shyness. To this very day, when I first meet someone new or go to a large gathering where there are people I don't already know, my shyness still acts up and I get a slight sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. But now I know how to overcome it. After I start engaging others in conversation the shyness simply evaporates.

As I started learning about overcoming my shyness, I learned that participating in a small group or a one-on-one conversation was one thing, but that public speaking was a completely different kettle of fish.

I would have done anything to have gotten out of taking public speaking.
I took public speaking when I was in college only because it was a required course. I think I would have taken five other courses to get out of taking public speaking, if the University would have let me do so.

I remember going to each class, being nervous, and watching others stumble through their presentations, knowing that my time in front of the class was coming. Then when my turn came and I got up in front of the class, there were a few things that happened. First, I would tense up (terribly before I actually began talking). Second, once I started talking, the first few sentences would go well, then I would tense back up for the next few minutes. After I got through those few stressful minutes, the tenseness I experienced from being up in front of the class would evaporate. Then I was able to complete whatever it was I was talking about - and actually enjoy doing the presentation. To my delight and amazement I received an "A" in public speaking.

Speaking in front of a group of people that are all learning how to present - such as you would find in a public speaking or Dale Carnegie class - is one thing. Speaking to a group of your peers, particularly when most of the group is made up of individuals you don't know, is much more of a challenge. This is particularly true for those of us who wrestle with shyness.

I think Jerry Seinfeld was right.
My first public presentation was over 23 years ago, when I was invited to speak to a group in the equipment leasing business. I thought about the invitation for a few days, then after talking with my boss at the time, decided that I needed to do it. From the moment I accepted the invitation, I spent time each and every day worrying about how it would go. In my mind, the fear wasn't much different than the fear I experienced waiting to join my rifle company in Viet Nam (Jerry Seinfeld was right!).

My first industry public presentation was agonizing for me.
Then the time finally arrived for me to give the presentation. I forget where I was speaking was but I absolutely remember the long and agonizing night before the talk. I was miserable. I worked and worked on that speech. I must have went through it 50 times. I couldn't eat, and certainly didn't sleep much, if at all.

When it was over, I felt empowered.
When the moment came to start the presentation, I was as tense as I could possibly be. When I started talking the first few sentences went fine, then I tightened up. Those next few paragraphs were painful. I had flashes running through my mind like, "am I blowing the speech now?" and "I must sound terrible to the audience." But as difficult and seemingly embarrassing as it was, I forced myself to continue. Then, after a minute or two (a seeming eternity), just like during my public speaking class in college, the tenseness abated completely and I was able to make it through the presentation. Afterwards, a number of the attendees came up and asked me questions. All of them told me that they found the presentation informative and well done. When it was completely over, I walked away from the presentation room feeling empowered as never before. The feeling was simply accelerating.

I've seen many speakers go through this easy-difficult-easy scenario.
In watching others speak, I've seen this easy-difficult-easy scenario repeat itself hundreds of times. The speaker will get through the first few sentences fine. Then they tighten up and have some difficulty talking for the next few minutes. Then, assuming they continue talking (taking a few deep breathes seems to help), they relax and are just fine for the rest of their talk.

It's important to know that the audience is always pulling for you.
I've even seen one individual who, during an industry speaking event, became so nervous that he actually announced, "I'm sorry, but I cannot continue." This poor fellow was part of a panel of three individuals and was the first panelist scheduled to speak. I remember how sad I felt for him struggling up there. But everything ended well. After the other two presenters concluded their remarks, he reached over, grabbed the mic and said, "if you don't mind I'd like to try to deliver my presentation now." Everyone listened to what he said very attentively and after he was done the entire audience, out of appreciation for the guts it took for him to come back and deliver his speech, gave him a standing ovation. Very few of us knew the man, but all of us were so very proud of him for coming back and finishing. In fact, witnessing this individual accomplishment was uplifting for the entire audience.

Focus on what you want to say -- not on what the audience is thinking about you.
I'm able to notice the difficulties that many speakers wrestle with because I am actually looking for it. It's important to know (particularly if you are speaking) that the audience usually has no clue if the speaker is struggling or not. The audience cannot feel the tightness in your chest or any difficulty you might have in breathing. Also, if you are speaking and do begin to struggle -- and it's one of those rare times when the audience can tell -- it's important to know that the audience really wants to see you succeed. So no matter how difficult it gets, just keep going. Spend your mental power focusing on what you want to say. Do not spend time thinking about how you might be coming across. You'll be relaxed before you know it.

Since that presentation so long ago, I've been invited to speak at many different venues. I suppose I've done well over one hundred public presentations. I no longer write out each word of what I want to say. I have since found that I do a much better job when I have a simple outline of what I want to say. It's easier for me to fill in with additional thoughts I might have, or to switch away if it seems I'm losing the audience. Using an outline instead of a completely prepared speech, also makes sure that I never lose my place.

I still tighten up before a public presentation.
To this very day, I still tighten up a bit before I give a presentation. Sometimes I agonize about it before the day actually arrives, but I don't sweat it nearly as much as I used to. And the same things still happen when the speech starts. The first few sentences go fine. The next few minutes I'm a bit tense, then I'm as comfortable as I can be. I suppose this will never change.